The Three Pillars
At some point when we were working on How to Stop Scrolling, my brilliant developmental editor, Rob Fitzpatrick, asked me to come up with a throughline or framework. “What holds true of all the advice that you give your reader?” he asked. As I tried to figure out how to present the material in a way that would make the most sense to my reader, I realized that everything in my book rests on three pillars:
Be Kind to Yourself: Scrolling is a signal, not a setback, and it’s never all-or-nothing.
Never Leave a Vacuum: don’t just remove your phone; add something even better
Design Over Willpower: behavior is driven by environment as much as intention, and that’s where you should start
Recently, I’ve realized that I can apply these pillars to behavior change in general, not just to phone use. For example, since having my third baby, I’ve wanted to lose some baby weight, but planning my meals felt like a full-time job I didn’t have time for. So I wondered: Maybe my framework for phone habits could work for other kinds of behavior change, too.
My first problem was the daily decision fatigue of what to eat and when: noticing my hunger cues, remembering how much I had eaten so far that day, and figuring out what I could make with whatever happened to be in my kitchen. So I used design over willpower, and created a daily menu for myself for breakfast, a snack, lunch, and another snack that is almost exactly the same every day. Now, most days, the only thing that changes is dinner. One decision per day? That I can handle.
To never leave a vacuum, I started carrying a protein bar in my purse. If I’m hungry and surrounded by food that doesn’t support my goals, I don’t have to rely on myself to simply refuse it. Just as putting down your phone is easier when you have something else you genuinely want to do, making an intentional food choice is easier when an appealing, filling alternative already exists.
And to be kind to myself, when I realize I’ve eaten something I wish I hadn’t, I try to get curious about what I needed in that moment rather than beating myself up over something that is already in the past
With the three pillars in place, making healthier choices feels manageable, and not something that needs to take up so much mental space. Perhaps sustainable behavior change is less about becoming more disciplined and more about making the desired behavior easier, providing a satisfying alternative, and pivoting mindfully when the system fails.
Now I’m wondering what else in my life might become easier if I approach it the same way.
